Another beginning, but this one is better.

I may have deleted every single one of my blog posts that I posted in the last year, but I still know what I wrote.
I remember all the bitterness I felt, because I couldn't pray away my pain. I spun full circle, and covered my lost Tumblr in pictures of vodka bottles and quotes that said "fuck the world." I went home and hated it. I came back and hated it too. When I posted good things, I still felt misery between the lines.
It appeared that the whole reason my world was spinning out of control was because I had lost one person.
That's not true. I wasn't dealing with one crushing boulder, more like pebble after pebble that I didn't notice stacking up until I couldn't move under the weight.
Loss is a tough thing to put into words, but now I don't have to worry about it.
For the first time since I started college, everyone I care about is still here. I didn't lose anyone, and no one has to think about losing me. (Which I had a legitimate reason to be worried about, since Financial Aid had every authority to kick me out of school in a matter of days after starting. Thankfully, I don't have to worry about paying for school again until August.)
While I was still worrying, I found the missing friend on the staircase yesterday morning. I didn't even recognize him. I guess that's what happens when you don't expect to see someone in person...his face just fades from memory. You don't think you'll ever see it, so why remember it? He was happy to see me, but for all the time I spent excited, it was an anti-climactic moment. It's like he never left, but after the 13 months of near-daily texting, we're much closer... there was zero awkwardness, no effort. We just said hello and the void closed itself up. What am I going to do with all my sad music now? I swear, half of my songs are about missing someone who is far away.
It's not like now everything is awesome and I'm happy all the time. I have a hard time letting myself be happy, even when I know I should be. The quite unexpected text-message dumpage by "C" the last day of school is a tiny smudge on my semester, but I figure I'll forget eventually. Someone else will pay attention to me and send me cute messages...I never go long between relationships, which might be a flaw, but who knows. I suppose it's better than stewing in self-pity for months.
I'm okay with just having friends until I can figure out where my head is at. Valentine's Day might be hard, but when isn't it?
Lonely-pain is bearable when you miss someone you haven't met yet. Comparatively, it's not much to worry about.
The worst is over, for now.